I took my first 11 hour flight a couple weeks ago. My new company is headquartered in Tel Aviv and our leadership team is just incredible. They are hell bent on having every new hire fly to Israel for orientation and as luck would have it, our SKO (sales kick-off) meeting is also in January every year so it got tagged on to my trip. As of the beginning of 2020, there are around 600 employees. No one knows how long this will be able to be continued but I know they have plans to do this until they financially cannot. I will happily go to Tel Aviv any time they need me to.
On this 11 hour flight, I slept maybe 3 hours. I had the best plan….
- One or two wines at BOS prior to flight to JFK
- One wine in the air to JFK
- One or 2 two wines at JFK prior to flight to Tel Aviv (the 11 hour leg of my journey)
- Sleeping pill once aboard the plane
- Pass the eff out for 11 hours
- Arrive in Tel Aviv (5pm Israel time) ready to take on a new country
Well fuck. That definitely did not happen. I knew I was bad at sleeping on planes but I have never had to fly for 11 hours straight either. Because of this, I had a LOT of time to do A LOT of things. Like listen to one of my fav Spotify playlists, Hot Country.
I freaking love country music. Other than Backstreet Boys (yes, the featured image on this post is BSB) and Kelly Clarkson, country concerts are my absolute favorite to go to. I am from the midwest so it’s basically in my blood but there is just something about them. People are there to have a great time. The beer is cheap and the wine is terrible. Dancing is inevitable and I am basically on stage with the artist because I am singing just as well as they are. Obviously. I am 100% stereotyping but it’s based on experience so give me a break. Most of the concerts I have been to have been males – it’s been a thing in music for quite some time that they really dominate the charts. Women are definitely making their way to the top but it’s still skewed.
While listening to the playlist, I got sad, angry, happy, hopeful, vindictive, etc. The amount of emotions that came through depending on the song were so real! Granted I had almost no sleep and lots of wine after eating just overnight oats and a wimpy salad all day so I may have been more emotionally charged than normal. But still! The stories that are told through these lyrics are just incredible.
And it pisses me off.
54 of the approximately 60 songs were about love or people being in love or people wanting love or whatever. What about the bitter people like me?! Ha! But seriously. We need more strong, bad-assy songs for the people like me who are going through shit and want to celebrate that! One of the songs that isn’t about love (technically it is but its about the demise of it) is about a girl hoping that her ex’s new GF cheats on him like he did her. It’s so good and the lyrics just speak to me.
But there is an issue with this. Ya know what I HATE about being me – being nice and caring too much. Ok, that’s a complete lie. But seriously, I wish that I didn’t feel so TERRIBLE for kind of wanting that to happen to my ex. When I listen to the song, I’m all pumped up and then it’s over and I just sit there thinking about how awful it is of me to want him to get hurt like he hurt me. I loved him fiercely and I truly do want him to be happy and healthy. But sweet Jesus. Some moments it would be really nice to sucker punch him.
And then 37 seconds after it’s over and I’ve taken a deep breath, I’m back to myself. The version of me that I’ve worked so hard for. The positive, forgiving, loving, me.
Be honest. Is there a timeline or process for these things? Like how many days/months should I expect to still hurt? How long is it going to take for me to un-love someone? What’s the appropriate amount of time for me to think about him and hope that things will just go back to being perfect? Is there a magical pill I can take that makes me forget the hurt? There probs is a pill for that but its also probs best for me to avoid it.
When am I going to stop being upset about things? Like the fact that he was the first boy I took to my cabin – my sacred place? Or that he is in my cousin’s wedding photos in New Orleans? Or that I begged him to be with me during my dad’s graduation from radiation treatment (he couldn’t make it if you were wondering)? I’m not an idiot. I know that I can never cross that bridge again…even if it shows up out of nowhere. Again. For the 378th time. For the record, I really don’t think it will this time but it is tough to not think about it. Even if at this point, there is still part of my heart that would, stupidly, welcome him back into my life. Into my family and friends lives. So when does that feeling go away? Is there some guidebook I can buy?
And again, I’m not an idiot. I know there isn’t and that every single person is different. At some point I am going to wake up and just be at peace. Until then, I apologize to ALL of you because he is the reason behind all these “lessons”. Which means that all this moving forward shit will somehow relate to him. Ha.
I found this post on Instagram a while ago and the moment I can post this is going to be a huge moment for me. It’s going to be the moment in which I know that I have moved on. I have removed any thought or hope for ANOTHER do-over. It’s going to the be moment in which my heart finally understands that he is not good for me. That he is not going to be a good person until he works on every issue he has, and gets rid of those demons he’s had for many years. The ones that I thought I could help him through. The things that are NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY! My brain is there. My brain knows all of this. It’s my heart that is just an asshole that likes to hold on.
It will happen though. And the “everything happens for a reason” shit I preach will apply to this. Until that happens, I think this in-between time is meant for reflection. Meant to put into perspective all the things in life that have been avoided of effected by the last few months. I don’t love figuring this all out and there are some days I wish that things would just be easy – but then again, when have I EVER done things the easy way?
Back to country music. If you don’t like it, you suck. Y’all are such great readers.
Xoxo, The Nicest Masshole
Dear daughter. Your writing is incredible. I am so glad you’re doing this.