Retraining My Soul on the Darkest Day of the Year

Did you guys hear?! Today, December 21st, is the shortest – or darkest – day of the year. Not only that but Jupiter and Saturn are in conjunction (where both planets can be viewed in the sky together). If this means nothing to you, no worries. If you are curious about all of this woo woo stuff, a quick search on TikTok or Google will help ya out.

Leave behind anything that’s holding you back.

I started working with my new therapist a few weeks ago and man, she is a tough cookie! We have been working on some past traumas/events in my younger years that have created the pathways in my brain that have made healing very difficult in most situations. I know I have talked about this before but as a quick refresher, being bullied in elementary school did a number on my brain and because of that, my entire life I have equated my worthiness and ability to be loved by others to how I feel I physically look. In layman’s terms, the worse I feel about myself (and more specifically my weight), the less worth or love I feel I deserve. 

The ripple effect of this can be pretty severe. The lower you feel about yourself, the more you are willing to accept as a negative quality about yourself. Right? You don’t feel good, so you are not good enough. 

I am going to admit something kind of embarrassing. After a little over a year, I stalked my exes new girlfriends Facebook. I know, I know – it was pretty stupid. I made it a year without doing it. A YEAR. But I did. And I am actually happy I did. At first I was sad. Then I was angry. Then I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for letting these feelings still affect me after over a year. I was mad at myself for wanting to forget. And then these feelings of worthlessness set in. Feelings that I did something wrong, that all of this was my fault. I was the reason that things didn’t work out (the second official time).

But then I started to think about what I was considering my fault. In my brain, I had put a negative spin on things that I needed in order to make a long distance relationship work. Not only was I doing that to myself, I was getting that feedback from my ex. For example; 100% honest and open communication no matter what and taking the time to talk through how not getting that was making me feel = me being too clingy. My favorite example; me asking how a night out was and who he went out with and what they did = me accusing him of lying or doing things he shouldn’t be doing. This is the person I was dating for almost 3 years total, and who I have known for 11 years of my life. 

When I was being called crazy, I was backing down. Yes, you read that right. I was backing down. I was letting myself become smaller for someone else. And for some reason looking at the profile tonight it hit me that I cannot control the actions of others. I cannot control how others handle situations. I cannot MAKE someone feel/say/do anything. If someone truly wants you, you will never have to question that. Even as you are working on becoming the best version of yourself every single day, there will be no thought in the back of your mind that this person is going to just walk away when things get a little messy. 

That concept blows my mind and is the reason I have been terrified to think about putting myself out there. I have come to expect that after every argument, I am going to be called crazy. After every hard day, I am going to wonder where my partner is for the rest of the night. After a few pounds get packed back on my stomach, there will be someone at a different gym that is looking a little more appealing. I have to literally retrain my soul to believe in the good of people. 

So tonight, on the Winter Solstice and Great Conjunction, I put this into the universe: I free myself of pain to open the door for prosperity and love.