Let me just start this blog off by saying that this has nothing to do with the men in Boston. This is everything that has to do with me and the work that I have done on myself in the last few years (minus some months). I shouldn’t have even titled it “Part 2”. #sorrynotsorry
Is sharing this scary?! I think yes. But being open to new things taught me that having a community around you makes going through things a little bit easier. That there is a good chance someone else has had a very similar experience. And that they may be willing to share how they handled/got through things. We are all much more alike than we think (or than some people want us to think; yes that was a dig at all the pricks in the world who think they are better than everyone else). I digress.
Before I moved to Boston, I was in a relationship with the person that was in my last blog (again – not friends with his on social so we are good) and the person that I honestly thought I would share the rest of my life with. I had known this person for 11 years. Basically spent all of my 20’s knowing him. And he had even asked my parents to marry me. When we started dating in 2015, I was in a really great place in my life – I was ballroom dancing four days a week, liked my job, spent a ton of time with my friends, lived with some pretty cool roommates, etc. And for the first few months of the relationship, I stayed in that really good place.
Even when a month in a random girl, who I had never heard of, messaged me on Facebook saying that he had been living with her and had just moved out. I trusted him and moved forward.
Even when a month later, his ex started showing up everywhere. Social media, texts, phone calls, snapchats, etc. He said it was nothing and I trusted that he was being truthful. What is a relationship if there is no trust?
And then when my gut started getting the weird feelings it gets when things are off – it’s my sixth sense or some crap like that – I pushed those feelings aside because I loved him. Again, I trusted that he loved me and that he wouldn’t lie to me.
A new apartment, a new puppy and one and a half years later, I am in a completely different place. ALL of my time is spent trying to make this person happy. Waiting at home for the off chance that he would actually want to come home to me and the puppy. Pushing my self-worth into the ground because I wasn’t good enough for him. I am talking about this deep sense of worthlessness, ugliness, negativity. I forgot about my friends. I forgot about myself. I forgot about everything that was so important to me, that made me HAPPY, only a short time ago. I lost who I was.
I was broken up with less than three months after we got our place together. After months of me putting everything I possibly could into our relationship. I read the love languages book. I decorated the whole apartment for him for when he got back for a two-week military training. I got him gifts that I knew he would like/wanted/needed. If he wanted to go out and “stay out with the guys”, I said nothing but “have fun”. I spent time with his family and his friends. I tried every possible way of communication to get him to talk to me about what was going on. Why he was pushing me away. Why he wasn’t happy. Why he was never home. None of it mattered.
To top it all off, because I was making more money at the time, I was stuck with the apartment and the bills. Clearly Mika was mine so no need for me to take him to court on that. Lol.
Thank God I am a planner and had a flight to Boston mid-August. I hung with Jenny and her family, drank a lot of wine, and five weeks later I was in a moving truck.
QUEUE BOSTON. No I wasn’t running away. It was the push that I needed to FINALLY move. I have loved this city for many years. My best friend has lived on the east coast on and off since elementary school and I had been lucky enough to visit. Here we are. A new city. A new me??? Nope. I was fucking heartbroken! Just a disaster.
OHHH – ALSO – he had the fucking nerve to ask me if I was really moving three days before I left. Like all sappy and shit. YES I AM STILL MOVING.
Anyway, moved out here and started a new life. Fast forward through months of texts from him (he is dating an ex at this point, and not the one I mentioned above) and I finally told him I was done. That he cannot message me unless he was single.
Well guess what?! January, 2019 I get a text. He is single. Has been for one week. And what does this IDIOT do?! You got it. I text him back. He flies out here two weeks later. And again a month after that. I honestly thought that this guy had done a whole ton of work on himself in the last year and a half. A whole lotta “I love you’s” later (which means two/three months) he gets a little weird and my gut starts doing its thing again. I put it off. Trusted (catching onto the theme now?) that it was just me being nervous. Again, IDIOT! Always trust your gut!
Fast forward 10 months, yes TEN months, and I finally figure out that he had been seeing/talking to the girl he cheated on me with the first time we dated. I didn’t mention that part, did I? Yes, I found out when we started talking again that my gut was right and he had cheated on me. Said it was the biggest mistake of his life. We all don’t learn from our mistakes, do we?
November 2019 – breakup number two. And number forever.
So why am I sharing all of this with you?! Good question!
I am sharing this because it’s now two months later and I am still scratching my head trying to figure out how one person can do so much damage. How one person can lie to every person in their life so many times and not think, “hmmm, maybe I should just be honest with everyone and myself”. How two months later, I am still wishing that things were different. That this time I was enough – thinking, “Oh, just be patient. He will figure it out and work on himself and want to be with me again”.
NO, BITCH. FOR FUCKS SAKE, NO. (excuse my language)
I spent the first few months in Boston seriously finding myself again. Learning to love myself – the good and the bad. I dated – we all know how that turned out – and stopped dating. I met new people and reconnected with old. I got a job, got laid off, got another. I welcomed my Godson into the world. Got a few tattoos. Drank a lot of wine. Travelled. I did everything that I loved doing prior to losing myself.
I was in such a good place that I FORGAVE someone for doing things to me that I would never let anyone else do. I have broken up with friends because they don’t fuel my soul and the love that I have for this world. I gave my heart back to someone who did not deserve it and in the process I lost myself again. Definitely not as bad this time because I learned a little something the first time around. But I still lost myself. I ignored my gut. I trusted someone who was dishonest the entirety of our relationship.
I have written this before, all over the place, for the world to see. But it is now that I am fully taking a look into how all of this has effected so much of my life. I based my worthiness on the love of someone who doesn’t love himself – and who I don’t think knows how to love others. I based my success on his opinion of me and what I was doing in my life. I based my travel plans around him (stupid). I based my self-esteem on his compliments rather that how I truly saw myself. I based my emotions, each and every day, on how he was feeling about “us” at the time – meaning if he was being cute and loving, I was feeling good, and if he was being distant, I was not feeling good.
I preach on a daily basis that what is meant to be will be. This universe has a much larger plan for us – again, done with the mother effing lessons.
I AM ENOUGH. WE ARE ALL ENOUGH.
If someone is not treating you that way, leave. There is absolutely no excuse in this world for someone to have this amount of say in the love you have for yourself. It is really freaking hard to look in the mirror and truly love who you are but it is one of the most important things I have learned I need to do. To move forward.
What I also didn’t really realize is that in order to receive all this goodness the universe has to offer us, I need to be open to it. I need to love myself in a way that no one can break. Love myself in a way that even when I am in a relationship, I am strong enough to stay the person I am. And am strong enough to know that the person who my soul will love is someone who is going to never want to change me. Will that happen for me? I don’t know. But I will NOT become someone else. It isn’t worth it to me. I don’t want someone just because I am lonely. I am currently looking into doing some EMDR work with a therapist to try to heal some old wounds that have burned these paths into my brain. I also joined a boxing gym. I am obsessed. It really has nothing to do with this post other than this is one of the things I am doing to take care of myself.
Loving who you are is hard. Finding someone to love you shouldn’t be.
This super nice Masshole cheers you to the future!
Great writing Bry!!!
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Thank you for the share, very raw and very thought provoking along with being heart wrenching. I think we can all see ourselves in this process you are going through. The thing you said about a plan, we definitely have a choice in that, which I hear you now acknowledging and accepting. When people say, I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, I always think to myself, yes, but that reason is not always a God reason. I love that you’re looking at the process and empowering yourself with what you truly know, asking questions and not just following blindly. Love you, Brenda
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