I really hate liars. REALLY hate them. You know, the people who say one thing and do a completely different thing. I don’t know if it is actually more prevalent in today’s society or if the explosion of media/social media in the last few years are just exposing more of it. I truly don’t think that you can’t be true to yourself if you are one. I pride myself in acting, saying, believing things that are true to my heart and soul – if you know me, you know that I walk the walk and talk the talk. I don’t lie about the things I believe in and I clearly am not afraid to voice those things either.
We were taught at a very young age that you just don’t lie. My idea of a lie 25 years ago was who hit who first, my brother or I, and who actually got some Tang after school. The little stuff that is essentially harmless (except Tang, that shit probably ruined me). Throughout middle school I am sure I told white lies to get away with things or to be “liked” more and I DEFINITELY lied in high school – but that was more because of a chemical imbalance in my brain in my opinion. College I would rather not count because I don’t know if I can truly recall everything that happened those 5 years of my life. Ha! Joking aside, I know that I probably hurt people by either saying something I shouldn’t, or saying too little. We were all young and dumb once just trying to figure out who we were supposed to be. Beyond those developmental years, I have worked very hard to get to where I am. I have come into my own. I do research before assuming. I try to understand both sides of an argument. I try to make sure I am giving everyone the respect that I believe I deserve.
Anything that has any relation to lying seriously just pisses me off. What is the point? What is the point of lying?! Ok, I know the point. You are trying to protect yourself, trying to protect someone else, trying to get away with something, are just plain selfish, etc. My question is, do people realize the damage that lying causes others? Do people see that even one simple lie is enough to destroy someones life? Is there not some sort of standard you set for yourself to be a good person? And what about pathological liars?! Is that a mental illness (truly asking this question)?
As I reflect back on my time with my ex, both as friends for many years and as lovers, I see the time that I spent trying to figure out the truth in this web of lies that surrounded our relationship. There were times that I felt crazy (and was called crazy) for asking questions to which I already knew the answer to. There were times that I chose to ignore the truth that was in front of my face because the love that I had for him was a shadow over everything else. There were times that I forgave him for the awful things he did or said because I wanted to be with him. I would give him the chance to redeem himself every single time; to prove, once again, that he did love me.
Until that day in November. When the lies I was fed for months finally caught up to him. You see, I should be a private investigator. I don’t think people realize that Google and social media will literally tell you everything you need to know – as long as you can dig deep enough. Yes, I definitely know how freaking creepy that sounds. When finally confronted, he was livid. He was furious. If he was in the same state as me, he probably would have thrown something. Or maybe just walked away because that would have been easier than dealing with what was in front of him. You guys, he gave me his “excuse” – I won’t share because it is extremely personal to him and not for me to tell (if it is the truth, only God knows) – for the reason he had been cheating/lying/etc. – and it was something he said to me EVERY OTHER TIME he did something to hurt me. Literally the same thing. To be honest, it doesn’t make any sense. I will admit that the first two times he used it I forgave him immediately and didn’t question. But this time, I had had enough.
Throughout our entire relationship, I rarely raised my voice. I can’t say the same for him but that is something I don’t want to get in the habit of doing. It causes unnecessary tension and anger and is not something I will put up with. But that night, I yelled. I yelled, “you are a horrible person”. Multiple times. WHAT?!? Where did that come from!? That did not just come out of my mouth. But it did. I couldn’t lie. That is honestly what I thought about him in that moment. I felt bad for saying it for one second but when everything that had happened flashed through my brain, I stopped feeling bad and stood my ground.
I was lied to for so many months. So many months of “I love you’s”. So many months of “she is just a friend”. So many months of “you’re crazy”. So many promises for the future. And I don’t think he feels bad about it. He didn’t really even say he was sorry for anything. He just tried to “explain” why and how it was my fault for things falling apart. That it was me who made things hard so he sought attention from someone else, someone who was “easier”.
Side note: he was kind of dating his best friends wife’s best friend (got all that?) when him and I started dating and he “picked me” because it was easy with me. YEA, YA FOOL! Sorry I am motivated to improve and grow on a daily basis and am not a gosh darn wet blanket. Moving on.
Lying destroys people. These lies destroyed me. The worst part about it is that I started to question myself. I started to get angry thinking that I was dumb enough to believe what he was saying to me. I was embarrassed that I didn’t see it sooner or listen to people around me who were supportive of my decision to try things with him again but knew it was all going to go down in flames at some point. Was I really that stupid?! Did I just let him use me, abuse me (emotionally and mentally)!? Am I really not enough for this person I love so much?!
Fuck that. 100% fuck that. I am absolutely not going to change who I am because of this person. Because I choose to be me, I choose to be a good person. I choose to be honest. I choose to let my heart guide me because that is so much of who I am. I choose to own up to my mistakes and my mishaps and move forward. I choose to continue to trust that not every guy is going to be like him. I choose to believe that if I am meant to be a partner to someone, I will find that someone some day. And over everything, I choose me.
I may not understand how he lives with himself on a daily basis knowing that he has hurt so many people – to be fair, he may not even see it this way. He has lost friends. He has lost jobs. He has lost his dignity. But I don’t need to understand it, do I? It is not my responsibility to help him become a better person. I thought it was, once, but they always say “you can’t change a person”. I will never know how he ends up in life – married, happy, employed, etc. – because I deleted/blocked everyone on social media that would give me any insight to it and that is still sad for me. It is sad that this person who knew every single detail about me/who I (thought I) knew every single detail about is just gone from my life. Like I said in my last blog post, I don’t know when I will truly be “over” him.
Today, I am am doing well. At this moment, I am missing the idea of a relationship, not necessarily him. Tomorrow, it could be completely different.
I think that worst part about our breakup was the last time I spoke to him on the phone. It was about an hour after he was a truly ugly person and had yelled “fuck you” at me about 10 times. He called and left a message, since I blocked his number, saying that he just wanted to read something he wrote down for me. I called him and let him. He read me this super long letter, of which I barely remember anything about but this….
“I have lied, I have told half truths, I have not been 100% honest for the last 10 months. But the one thing I know I never lied about was when I said I loved you”.
Do I believe him, I don’t know.
I ended the call telling him that all I have ever wanted was for him to be happy and healthy. And that I hope he finds the person who sets his soul on fire – and if this girl is the one, to hold on for dear life. I am proud of myself for that.
Here is to being the Nicest Masshole but not a lying a-hole.
*The picture is The Acropolis in Athens, Greece.